mallow_logs | [Open Log | Time to adjust]

Who: Balfour and YOU
What: That remains to be seen
Where: Amery's apartment in Orlea
Date: IC 25JUN

_{[It had been quite a while since Balfour had died, and longer since he had come back, blundering around in the roads. He had basically stayed quiet, stayed with Amery, and not bothered anyone. He would have his meals out in the yard or on the stoop so that he could feel the rays of the sun and feed the cat that had come begging, but otherwise, he hadn't been very social.

He was, admittedly, afraid of seeing his boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, something… He wasn't sure what Reid was now. He only knew that he had broken a very important promise, so he was quite sure that the man didn't want to see him.

Not to mention, Balfour didn't want Reid to see him like this: blind and confused. He hated it, hated himself for this happening, and he just wanted it to go away.

Well, it wasn't going away, so, right now, Balfour has decided that it's a good time to feel some sun on his skin. He's out in the yard in shorts and a tee shirt, laying back among the grass, bare hands and feet enjoying the sensation as he stared at the sky with an empty gaze, imagining dragons playing among imagined clouds.

Was it really worth it, he asked himself.]}

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[It was Reid's fault that Balfour had died, wasn't it? Was that why Reid hadn't seen him since it'd happened? He'd spent the whole time worrying and blaming himself, and for all he knew, Balfour hated him for it. Was he even still there? Pogue and Tyler had both vanished, maybe Balfour was gone too. Even though that wasn't really something Reid wanted to consider as a possibility.

He couldn't take thinking about it any more though, he had to find Balfour if he was still there. He'd looked before, but he hadn't looked everywhere. If he had to, he'd get Amery's help. But before he found Amery, he ended up finding Balfour first. He should have known, he should have looked here first.]

You know, if you don't want tan lines, you should wear a lot less.

[What else was he supposed to say, especially when this was all his fault and he hadn't even seen Balfour in days?]

_{[Balfour jumped when he heard Reid's voice, sitting up and turning toward him, frowning a bit. Why was he here? He didn't understand!]}

Reid...?

_{[Probably not Dyme. Dyme wouldn't make that kind of comment.]}

What are you doing here?

_{[He squinted, trying to make sure that he was looking at Reid's face--and he was, close enough to pass, anyway. He couldn't know. No one else could know.]}

Edited 2013-09-26 00:22 (UTC)

Looking for you. Since I haven't seen you in forever. What d'you think I'd be doing here?

[He was hesitant to come closer. Did Balfour want to be close to him?]

Since, you know, last time I saw you...

[Well, the rest of that sentence was obvious, wasn't it. He didn't exactly want to talk about it, out loud, in words.]

The last time you saw me, I broke a promise. I didn't think you'd want to see me after that.

_{[He sighs, leaning forward against his knees, and runs his fingers through the grass, plucking blindly at a piece.]}

Anyway, I've not felt well lately. I've been staying with Amery. He...didn't take it well, either. I'm here now, though, so you don't have to worry about that anymore.

_{[He shrugged and waved his hand dismissively, as if saying that if that was all Reid was there for, he could go now.

Internally, he was screaming. Why was he here? Why? He didn't want him to see him like this! Go away!]}

[What. Hold on, back up a second. Did Balfour really think he wouldn't want to see him just because of that?]

And, what? You think I'm mad at you or something because you died? Are you serious?

It's not even your fault.

[It was Reid's. And he wasn't going to be pushed away that easily.]

I was foolish, and it was my fault for dying, whether you think so or not.

_{[His tone is cold as he pulls at the grass, glaring at his own hand. Well, in that direction.]}

I really don't understand, Reid. I don't understand why you're here. I'm fine. Not feeling too well, but I'm fine, okay? So you don't have to pretend like you're not mad.

_{[Please go away, Reid. Please don't notice. Just go away...]}

I was there. I should have protected you. The only one I'm mad it is myself.

[He didn't understand why Balfour didn't understand. Reid cared about him, he was worried. He'd almost lost Pogue and Caleb back home, and then here, he really had lost Balfour, even if it hadn't been permanent.]

I love you. I'm here because I care about you and I'm worried. And here you are acting like you don't want to have anything to do with me.

_{[You really are clueless, aren't you Reid? But then again, Balfour's not blundering around in the road the way he was when Amery found him. He's just...sitting there. Staring at the ground.]}

It's not that. I...just don't know where we stand, right now.

_{[Was it possible that he'd be able to hide it? Well, not for long, if he went with Reid, but he could probably hide it for a while, especially if he continued to stay with Amery.]}

Will you be mad at me if I say I want to stay here? I'm not upset with you or mad or anything. I just... More, now than ever, I need to be close to Amery.

_{[Not to mention, Amery was practically clinging to him. Then again, he didn't blame him.]}

Edited 2013-09-26 03:34 (UTC)

[Of course. Reid was dumb. He knew something was wrong, but he had no idea what it was. He just wanted to know that Balfour wasn't mad at him.]

What do you mean? We're the same as always, aren't we?

[Fuck not knowing if Balfour wanted to be close to him. Standing there feeling awkward wasn't going to do anything for him. Reid went over to sit down on the grass next to him.]

I just want to know that you're alright.

[Though that was avoiding the question, because of course he wouldn't do anything to stop Balfour from staying with his brother, but he was also jealous. And lonely. He just wanted Balfour back around, to know he was there.]

Edited 2013-09-26 03:48 (UTC)

Are we?

_{[He sighed, then frowned when Reid started moving. Where'd you go Reid? Where did you--ah, there. Good. Okay, he can hear you, so he's just going to flop over onto your lap--

and miss and hit the ground because you weren't quite as close as he'd expected. Well shit. He can't exactly readjust without being obvious, so there you go, Reid. Balfour will just lay there with his head close to your lap.

Shit.]}

I'm okay. I am, alright? Don't worry. Amery...didn't take my death very well at all, you know? So he's being more protective than ever.

_{[And dying and coming back, knowing you were supposed to no longer exist, really fucked with Balfour's head. He didn't feel quite right, and his body wasn't responding properly, not to mention he hadn't gotten used to not being able to see anymore.]}

Why wouldn't we be?

[No, honestly. He didn't understand why anything would be any different between them. Had he done something wrong that he wasn't aware of? Then again, something else was wrong, he just-well that seemed a little odd.]

I get it, I do. [He managed a small smile, running a hand through Balfour's hair.] What's wrong though? Why aren't you feeling well?

_{[Balfour starts a bit when he feels Reid touch his hair, but then relaxes again. That was what he was wanting, anyway. He scoots up just a little bit more, his head pressing up against Reid's thigh.]}

Have you ever died and come back? It's...odd. It doesn't feel right, you know? Nothing feels right, right now.

_{[He didn't know how to explain it. Even the way it felt when Reid touched his hair was wrong. Sharper, even. He didn't understand it.]}

No. [Of course he hadn't. Though maybe that was a rhetorical question.]

You shouldn't have to deal with it alone, though. [Not that Balfour was alone but.] I mean...I just want to be there.

[For Balfour.

He wanted to help.]

But you don't understand the feeling. Amery does.

_{[He sighed and rubbed his face.]}

I appreciate it, I do. I just... I don't know how to be around others, right now.

_{[But the contact was nice, and the fact that Reid was there was great. He squirmed some more so that he could get his head and shoulders into his boyfriend's lap, clinging to one of his knees.]}

Nothing feels right. My body just...doesn't feel right, at all. Like I don't belong here. I shouldn't exist, Reid.

_{[Words he'd never spoken to Amery. Words he never would, no matter how well he could understand where he was coming from.]}

That's why you've been avoiding me? You could've at least called me and let me know you were alive.

[So, what, Balfour didn't want him around, then? That felt like it would be a little petty to say though, and there were other things to worry about.]

You do belong here. Don't talk like that.

I didn't think you wanted to see me.

_{[And I can't see you, remains unsaid.]}

I thought you were angry with me for breaking my promise. I said I'd stay...but I didn't. So I didn't think you wanted to be around me, anymore.

_{[He already regrets the comment about not belonging. It isn't that he doesn't belong, but that he feels like he doesn't.]}

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